I recently asked that question to an audience. I was astonished by the resounding YES that seemed to be uttered even before the last word left my mouth.
What scares you about you? One common explanation is that the most basic need of all time is to be loved. If you fear that you aren’t loved, it’s hard to embrace the true you. You are at your best when you are loved by yourself, have a sense of being loved by others, and know you are loved by God.
God’s love is boundless and is the foundation for all of us to build on. Being loved by others is something out of our control, but the perception of being loved is more often based on our love of self and trust in God’s love. So after we ground ourselves in the assurance of God’s love, it’s time to spend some time on self-love.
Below are four steps to help you in your journey of self-love and move from being scared of not belonging to loving yourself.
Identify, Acknowledge, and Celebrate You! First, make a list of your unique skills and top accomplishments. Think about which are your favorite skills to use and which ones others appreciate about you. I recommend asking a few friends or colleagues for examples and validation.
Next, take a look at your personality traits. Invest in a valid Big Five personality assessment. Free online assessments are designed to be more fun than accurate and do not go into the depth necessary for a big and important project such as self-love. Once you obtain a comprehensive personal Big Five report, review the results with a trusted coach who is certified in the tool. Of course, I recommend the ADW-Profile. You can reach out to me in the chats and comment section or email me at Jane@JaneSchuette.com if you are interested in learning more.
Next, take a look at what you need to feel a sense of support or groundedness at work and in life. (I talked about the workplace needs in my blog, Workplace Grace.)
Finally, spend some time reflecting on the stories you tell yourself and what you make them mean. Are you giving events in your life a “poor me” victim spin or an empowering “I did it!” spin? For example, I grew up the youngest in my family. I can make it mean that I will never catch up and be good enough or that I aspire to be as good as my older siblings who carved a path of excellence and accomplishment ahead of me.
Ask Am I Improving? Vs. Compare and Despair. Falling victim to broad comparisons to others will knock you into despair. Think about it, when you equate yourself to another person you are most likely not measuring apples to apples, so to speak, and you will never win. You are unique! You have different skills, goals, ambitions, backgrounds, education, and environmental factors so to compare your current life to another person’s whole life is pointless. What typically happens is you take one thing you are currently feeling insecure about and judge your entire self-worth against what you perceive to be wonderful and better in the other person’s life.
If comparison plagues your life, I suggest limiting social media as much as possible. It breeds false perceptions of the lives of others and prompts playing the broad-based comparison game.
Psychology Today’s article titled Compare and Despair begins with quoting a former dance teacher: “There will always be people better than you, and worse than you. The most important thing is to ask yourself, ’Am I improving?’”
One helpful practice for improving is to use specific comparisons for inspiration and ideas. For instance, my daughter was a high school gymnast and studied Olympic gymnasts. She was not an Olympic-level athlete, yet she analyzed techniques mastered by the champions for motivation while remembering to put her own unique spin to her goals. Today she still studies champions for her work as a gymnastic coach.
Practice Self-Love. Take care of yourself just as you would a precious baby or even a pet, an expensive item such as a car, or jewelry. For ideas on self-care I suggest the metaphor of The House as written about in Building Your Brilliance: Move from Stressful Survival to Joyful Living. You can download a free cheat sheet on my website. It provides a quick way to identify and remember which practices in The House you need the most to love yourself as you deserve. Check it out, it makes self-care/self-love manageable.
Reinforce Self-Love Through Affirmations. This one is a constant theme in my blogs. Just as important as it is to tell your spouse, your mate, and your friends how much you love them, it’s important to tell yourself the same. It is also a powerful way to interrupt self-judging statements and to reinforce self-love. Repeat affirmations daily and commit them to memory. The most powerful for me are Bible verses. They connect me to a loving God. I also say affirmations as if my parents were talking to me. I use this technique to strengthen positive memories and reframe negative stories I might carry around from my past that could be blocking my self-love.
You deserve to be loved! You are a unique and brilliant creation that the world needs! Researcher Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, the author of Love 2.0, proclaims love is the most positive emotion of all the emotions. Of course, you probably didn’t need a psychology professor and researcher to confirm something you already know and have personally experienced.
Love is positive.
Love is powerful.
Why not love yourself and put down the protective and scary thoughts that say you aren’t worth it? Use the tips above to begin to experience love and your brilliance from the inside out!